Nothing

I sit alone and look at the blank white walls in my room. I spend a lot of time there and I’m not exactly sure if I’m just staring at the walls or if I’m in some kind of deep thought. I’ve always associated purity and innocence with this color, but lately, it seems as though it means something different to me. Innocence turns into loneliness and the comfort that it used to bring now turns into desolation. I don’t know if it’s a good thing that I can stare at a wall for a very long time but sometimes it seems like there is nothing else to do. My surroundings fade into the background and for a while, it seems as though all I have is my mind. Nothing can distract me. 

But then the sun starts to set, explosions of orange engulf the sky as though the sun is screaming for one last minute before it has to set. My blank thoughts turn into expressions of awe and I remember that the day is almost over. The light reflects off of my mirror and it projects the color of the sunset onto my walls. They aren’t blank anymore. They are full of life and I realize that just because something is blank, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t amount to anything. 

Then I go outside and all I see around me is the red that the sky has become. First it was orange, and as it got more intense, it got brighter and turned red. But this time, it doesn’t make me think of evil or jealousy like it usually does. It reminds me of the raspberries that I ate by the creek last summer. The roses that were placed on friend’s grave when she passed on. But most importantly, it reminded me of the Singapore flag and the life that I came from. Although I’m in a much better place now, I will always remember where I came from and that my purpose in life is to not let it pass me by while I stare at walls.

Future?????????????????????????

When the representative from the Art Institute came to talk to the class, I remember her talking about the different kinds of fields that art majors can specialize in. I also found it interesting that a lot of the graduates from that school went on to do really cool things. I’ve never thought about art school because I’ve never been good at art, but the things that they can do seem pretty important not only in entertainment, but in everyday life. I wondered how many of their students graduated after starting at the Art Institute and if there was a higher chance of them not dropping out because they didn’t have to do general education classes. I would think that there would be a higher graduation rate. As for me, in a year, I see myself in the Air Force. I leave for BMT on July 14^th and I should be done with that and my job training by this time next year so I expect to be stationed somewhere (hopefully far away). In five years, I see myself out of the military, since I signed on for four years, and living on my own. In 10 years, I hope to be doing something with music and/or psychology because they are the two subjects that I really enjoy. In 50 years, I’ll be really old and hopefully I’ll be surrounded by dogs until I die. I don’t really like thinking 5 years ahead, much less 50 years ahead so it kind of stresses me out to think about what I’m going to be doing with my life. 

12:01 am

The warm flame flickers.

Soon, the soft candlelight fades

And darkness returns

Time Stands Still

I was told to take everything with a pinch of salt because sometimes we say things that we don't mean and we mean things that we don't say.

But sometimes it seems as though our darkest thoughts roll into our heads at the worst time, like some kind of somber country fog on a lonely morning.

Maybe our entire lives might seems like a never-ending stormy day.

But with every sad ending comes a metaphorical silver liberty, although rare and hard to come by, a glimpse of how things could have been.

And how things could be if we just got rid of the perpetual overcast winter sky in our minds.

And when our expressions resemble charcoal stone because everything has become too overwhelming and there is no smile or frown that could accurately display how we are feeling…

We have to remember that even the ironwork grey night skies turn into calming blue heavens.

Existing

She always kept some kind of hushed, dark secret hidden away in her mind.

Her eyes, once bright enough to match the sun, were still beautiful, but dull and a lot dimmer, like an Old Victorian Amethyst.

She watched the sheltered purple finch fly away after a long winter, but her thoughts stayed in her mind much longer than the bird was held captive by the cold.

Things were so much better before the silent nostalgia of how life used to be crept into her head.

But sometimes she hears a private evensong, something that reminds her of why she is still breathing.

And she remembers that the hardest comes just before dawn

Tranquility paints a welcoming white over her dark cloud.

Blank Stares and Glassy Eyes

It’s funny how our lives can change in a matter of a few seconds although sometimes it seems as though it takes years for us to finally see a change in our lives. We all have our weaknesses yet we tend to judge others for theirs. Whether it is drugs and alcohol or an excessive desire to stay in bed, there is always something that we turn to in hopes of feeling okay for a while.

I guess we don't think about what caused the successful lawyer to turn into a self-destructive being who sits in dimly lit alleyway on a Tuesday night while drinking to suppress some kind of deep rooted inner turmoil that they themselves cannot figure out.

When I was younger, my parents always warned me about all the things that could go wrong. I used to hear about how reckless and destructive alcoholics were. I was taught that their addiction was their own fault because they weren’t strong enough to deal with things on their own. I was taught that if you made a mistake, you were weak-minded. After a while, I realized that they never seemed to talk about a happy ending. I started to wonder if they did believe that someone could get worse and then get better.  I’m not really sure if it was a cultural thing or if they were trying to scare me into staying young and naïve but as I got older, I started to wonder about what happens to people that switches them from one person to another.

When I was traveling last summer, I encountered a man who sat in front of his house every day and drank from sunrise to sunset and beyond. I wish I could say that I met him, but most of our interactions consisted of my half-second glances at him and his occasional blank stare back at me through his glassy eyes.

He lived across from where I was staying and I could see him from the window. It made me sad to see someone wasting away like that. He always held a can of beer in his hand and after he was done with it, he would crush it and proceed to open another one.

I wish I could say that I talked to him one day and got his life story but unfortunately, I never approached him. I regret never talking to him or asking him if he was okay. I don’t know what that man is doing today, but I’m guessing that he’s doing the same thing. I like to think that he had some kind of epiphany and decided to get his life together, but I know that he is probably still fighting the same battle as he was when I saw him last summer. 

I don’t really know what else I could say about this man other than the fact that I wish the best for him. Maybe he was struggling, but maybe he didn’t want to change the way he was living. I believe that people like this are put into our lives to teach us a lesson that we can’t learn on our own. I didn’t know this man, but he taught me a lot more than a lecture from my parents ever did.